C'mon Nige' Where's Ya Classic?

OK, gang, here's the rub. We've written the lyrics for at least 50% of the songs for the new 2006 album and Nige' has only come up with one of those songs. Sure, he's added his special sauce to my lyrics, but the only original idea he's had is 'Lady Lemonade'. So, I would just like to remind him (and everyone else) exactly how good a song writer he is, when he's in the zone. Here are the lyrics to 'Darren McTangles Turnips'. Oh, Nige', those were the days. Please, please, please get in the zone. You can't rely on me to carry you.


I grow turnips in me wee allotment
Situated in the Forth of Firth of Fife of Scotland.
All the bonnie lassies come from miles around
Just to see me turnips growing in the ground.

You take the high road and I'll take the low road
And I'll be Scotland afore yee.
I'll take the high road and you take the low road
And we'll have turnip soup for tea.

diddley idley diddley idley
diddley idley diddley idley
diddley idley diddley idley
diddley idley diddley oh

Two wee lassies, I think that they were foreign
Were givin' me a funny look as I fumbled with me sporran.
I felt a little shameful I felt a little guilt
When I pulled a 2 pound turnip from beneath me kilt.

You take the high road and I'll take the low road
And I'll be Scotland afore yee.
I'll take the high road and you take the low road
And we'll have turnip soup for tea.

diddley idley ...

What a Balloon Buster

Phew! That was a balloon buster. Lift your imaginary unfeasibly over-sized testicles on to the desk in front of you and use your imaginary comedy mallet to tenderize the aforemention space-hoppers until your eyes water.

That's what it's like trying to get what you hear in your head transcribed into a drum sequence, a bassline, a piano part, a bassoon solo.

Lastnight, we started laying down the music backing for 'Lady Lemonade'. This means using Tracktion (http://www.mackie.com/products/tracktion2/splash.html) to program indivual tracks. We can't decide if Tracktion is awesome or shit, because this is the first time we've used it in anger (and frustration). First impressions are, that it's cock.

In the good old days we used a Commodore Amiga with Music X sequencing software. 'Little Johnny Amiga' was the affectionate name we gave to our rather flakey computey.

Then, when it became clear that you were a nobody unless you had an Intel-inside we relucantly switched to PC. For many years we used Voyetras Digital Orchestrator, but with the introduction of Windows 98 that too became flakey-pastry apple crumble, F*CK it's just crash AGAIN! BASTAAAARRRDDDDD!

Now, in the 21st Century, we've tried Cakewalk, but that seems to be confounding, befuddling bollox. So, we're persevering with Tracktion. We'll let you know whether we personally recommend it, or give it a Nonkey Phrrt.

Nonkey Songwriting Technique Part 2

So, where was I? Ahh, yes. I've had the idea, I've written the lyrics. Now I have to write the music.

Musical inspiration can come to me at anytime. And when it comes, it comes in a flash, without warning. I have to sieze the moment, grab my guitar and work out the melody before it is gone forever. I've lost count of the number of times I've had a number one hit single in my head but I've forgotten it before I've had time to wipe my arse and flush the bog (forget washing your hands).

It normally starts with an idea (my idea) for a melody. The melody has to be catchy, something that people will sing along to. I am the Master of Melody. Then, it's a case of fitting a guitar chord sequence around the melody. I am the Master of Chords Sequences.

Nige' (the less talented Nonkey) has an limited range of 'vocal stylings' he can call upon, depending on the syle of the song. He tends to favour 'straight' singing in the key of A, or thereabouts. I call this the 'Key to The Safe'. If we stick to A we can be pretty sure most notes will be within Nige's range (ie there won't be much vocal talent required). And there'll definately be no anal prolapse when Nige' struggles for the high notes. I remember one time we tried to record a song in the key of Bb, but when Nige' reached for the high note I had to put my fist up his arse to ensure he did not lose his internal organs. (Or was that just a dream I had?)

Actually, Bb is fine if he applies the mallet-to-the-spacehoppers-Bee-Gees technique, and G is OK for that Bob-Dylan-out-of-key-can't-sing-for-toffee effect which Nige' seems to want to perpetuate the use of on all Nonkey songs.

Anyhow, back to the chords. The catchy chorus is what it's all about. If there's a chorus to be sung, it has to be catchy and happy (I am the Master of the Catchy Happy Chorus). That means keeping the chord sequence simple and avoiding those melancholy Minor chords.

The formula is:

Key to the Safe=A
Catchy=Simple Chords.
Happy=Major Chords.

(Key to The Safe) * (Catchy + Happy) * p = NONKEY CLASSIC

Where p is the special factor, I like to call 'Peter Magic'. Heh?

Tough job

Well, monday night saw another few hours of Nonkey magic. Pete and I spent a couple of hours deliberating over whether his new song "Smack in the Mouth" (Now called "Punch in the face") should contain the phrase "fruit punch flavoured" or "fruity punch flavoured" (I know, I know, it is quite sad). Anyway, I favored the former. Now, I did just use the word "deliberating", in reality it was a rather more heated exchange, I accused him of being a precious little madam who couldn't handle even the most minor criticsm and he called me a w*nker.

We broke for hot bevvies, I had a coffee and Peter had his usual mug of Lady Grey. I have told him many times that he's a ponce for drinking such exotic tea, but he seems to enjoy it, and the tea. So after the poncey tea break, we got back to it and tried to work on a different song. This one is a poetic, aliterative masterpiece, which contains a marvellous, switchback progression from verse to verse of the dominant internal aliterative syllables. From memory it goes something like this

Dodgey Roger Hodges, the odd job bodger
Lodged his todger in a podgey old codger

This meaty wedgey made Reggie Hedges,
a perennial veggie, very edgy

Messy Bessy....

So you see, we start with the "odge" sound, then keep the "dge" sound but replace the "o" with an "e" in the second verse to give "edge", then we switch and keep the "e" but replace the "dge" with "ss", and so it goes. It's so f**king clever, I'm almost wetting my pants writing about it. The the best thing is the whole song reaches towards a climax with a whole gang of unlikely characters having a full on, depraved, orgy, which is itself a metaphor for the perverse orgy of rhyme and aliteration that permeates the entire poetic dynamic of the work....I have now peed in my undies....sorry. Good evening.

Would You Like A Smack In The Mouth?

After Caractacus Potts' and Truly Scrumptious' failed marketing campaign for 'Toot Sweets' I always wanted to invent a new sweet called a 'Smack In The Mouth'. I thought it could be a fizzy, tangy sweet that give you a 'smack'. Wouldn't the marketing campaign be cool? Just think, you could go round asking people if they would like a 'Smack In The Mouth'. Heh?

So I wrote the lyrics to 'Would You Like A Smack In The Mouth?' and Nige' edited them (read 'dumbed them down') because, apparently, 'smack' has a drug connotation. So now it's called 'Would You Like A Boiled Sweet'. S'gonna be a hit, that, eh Nige'?

Wrong Place In Cyberspace

This song is about a niave and innocent Internet user, who has just been introduced to the wonders of broadband. He decides to buy gifts for some of his family, but get's more than he bargains for with his poor choice of search criteria. The first episode goes like this...

First on my list was a gift for my mother
A rejuvenating thermal mud pack
So I typed in "hot facial" and clicked the Search button
And you won't believe what came back!

Wow! We're really rockin' now.

Sweet AMC.

Babes With Bazookas

So, 'Babes With Bazookas' is finished. A classic observational piece written after a one-handed visit to www.actiongirls.com. Phew! How do they think these things up? Semi-naked women, shooting automatic weapons at ripe melons. The coolest thing is that we were able to rhyme 'Kalishnikov' with 'knickers off'. Eh?

Sorry, I Should've Introduced You

Sorry, everyone, I should've introduced you to the band. That last post was by 'Moonshine' Simes, formerly bass guitar player with the Nonkeys. As is evident, he isn't funny, and he isn't clever. If anyone has any theory about what the f*ck he is going on about, please let us know.

Hopefully, 'Blind Lemon' Mikey (the worlds greatest keyboard player and genuinely lovely person) will soon be blogging too. Mike?

Does anyone know where Andy 'Five Skins' the drummer is?

I Table A Motion

Do you work in an office? Is there someone in the office who keeps his/her tidy desk? And has a desktidy? Someone who always has the best stapler, and won't lend it out? Someone who always puckers up to the boss? Claims your work as his/her own? Anonymously reports you to the Companys' Business Ethics hotline for taking a paperclip home?

Yeh, well this song is about getting revenge on a tw*t like that. Here's verse 2...

There’s a guy at work
He’s got a fully loaded Rexel Taurus
Stapler in chrome
And a Rapid Liberty Long Arm Staple Remover
Which he won’t loan
He’s got a BT Converse 14-hundred
Business telephone
And he’s always tabling my proposal and
Claiming them as his own

He sits beside me
He’s got a desk tidy
…he’s a twat

American Tourettes Doctor

I've had the chorus for some time. I sing it under my breath when I don't like someone.

"Stick it up ya f*ckin' ass
Stick it up ya f*ckin' ass
Stick it up ya f*ckin'
Stick it up ya f*ckin'
Stick it up ya f*ckin' ass"

Some of the guys at work sing it now too. It must be a classic. So I had this idea for an American Doctor who, because of his tourettes, prescribes every patient with a supository and tells them to "Stick it up ya f*ckin' ass".

To his credit, Nige' contributed to a couple of the verses by using Google to search for ailments that didn't need a supository to cure them.

His other contribution was to suggest that the expression "f*ckin' ass" was a little agressive and that perhaps we should consider substituting it with "hairy ass". Being the conciliatory, happy-go-lucky, team player that I am, I agreed with my song-writing partner and bestfriend that I would be comfortable with "hairy ass".

That Kebab Incident

Oh, really! It seems 'That Kebab Incident' hasn't really been forgiven or forgotten at all, has it? It would seem that Nigel is living in an alternate reality where everything revolves around him. Hey, Nige', Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

Oh Honestly!

Sheesh! I set up a blog so that Peter and I can communicate freely, regularly and honestly with our existing (and potential) fan base and what does he go and do? He goes and uses it as a way to electronically tickle his tiny ego. In an attempt, presumably, to engorge it and make it temporarily a little larger.

Don't get me wrong, I love Pete more than I love my PS2, but it behooves me to set the record straight.

And so...

Basically, the Nonkey song writing recipe goes like this...
1. Pete has an idea
2. It's a knob idea, so we dump it in Dee Dumpster
3. Pete has another idea
4. It's another knob idea but incredibly it sparks inspiration within me
5. I have an idea
6. Pete and I agree that my idea is fantastic
7. Pete writes the lyrics
8. I re-write the lyrics to make them funny
9. Pete strums his guitar, seemingly at random until I shout, "hey play those two chords again", and voila the music is complete.
10. I record Peter on his guitar over and over seemingly ad nauseam until we are able to cut and paste enough reasonable bits together and form a chord progression that we can then set on auto-repeat
11. I record the vocals, which frankly saves the song
We both agree that I am the creative genius of the duo. Peter is the musician, the sidekick, the stooge. With or without me...he is nothing.

Love you all

Nigel Nonkey