So Wot Next?

Will someone buy our album? We need to make our millions. C'mon. Do us a favour, will ya? I need liposuction.

****

We are now in that limbo-state between projects. 'The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter' has been our best album to date. So how to follow our best ever album? We now have to start on our 'bester' ever album.

Nige' wants to write another musical. We wrote 'Geek' some years ago, and we wanted to put it on the stage - we even had some initial discussions with an amateur dramatics society but it came to nothing. 'Geek' took us three years to write and record, so the thought of writing another musical fills me with dread; I don't want to be 46 when we've finished it!

And there's the small matter of what to write about? We've had abortive attempts to write musicals/screen plays for 'Extreme Eggs' (a story about superhero eggs), some pig-rustling idea, Minty Patel's 'Sherbert' and all manner of other crap. Any ideas?

We're on iTunes! And we're Poptastic mate.

Well we're finally rubbing shoulders with the big guns. Yes peeps the Nonks have moved in on iTunes and woh is it crowded in here. Unfortunately we have been categorised incorrectly. All our songs have a genre of "pop". I guess maybe the publishin' company didn't think we were very funny...hmm...but they'd be wrong. Anyway, we'd really like to thank AWAL for getting our songs online, and for nuffin too. Sweeet. So, go spend yer hard earned wongly stuff and enjoy.

P.S apologies for the photo in the last post. I know, it's hideous. Pete bought these stupid glasses round which made us look really stupid, and we already look pretty stupid without them, so we posed with stupid expressions, wearing stupid tank tops, and now we look really stupid. Sorry.

It's all happenin'

Woh, what a night. This is what we did.
1) Finished all the paperwork and shite for http://www.awal.com/, just need to send it off and hope they like us. iTunes 'ere we come woohoo!
2) Uploaded some more pages to the website http://www.thenonkeybrothers.com/
3) Recorded our second podcast - a discussion about our first video
4) Came up with an idea for a new song "My Meaty Delicacy"

Pete was in a feckin grumpy mood tonight, but I played him "Blue Veined Olympic Games" off the "Large Tough Chicken" album and that cheered him up a bit.

My DECK! I mean, the ALBUM!

Woohoo, it's all getting very exciting! Yesterday I finished the front portion of the deck I'm building. My house is built on a synclined slope and so I constructed a 1500mm wide bridging bearer section which inclines at an angle of.....oops...sorry..nevermind. So, anyway, the album. Well, not much to report really [so why write a feckin' blog entry then?]. We're working hard on the PR and digital distribution of the new album (actually, that's what I told Peter, in truth I'm dossing about doing nuffin, I'll just let him do all the work then reap the rewards, don't tell him though, it'll be oooour liiiiittle seeeecret.).

FYI I've challenged Peter to make me rich beyond my wildest dreams by 4pm (BST) August 21st 2009, if he fails I'm splitting the band...again.


Of course he may need your help. You may be required to squander your hard earned cash on the musical nonsense that we generate on a regular basis. But it's a small price to pay for....er...hmmm...well, it's a small price to pay, end of.

Flippin' Cheese

It's done! It's bleedin' well done I tells ya. No, not the turkey (although I really ought to go check it, what do they say, the juices have to run clear...or is it cloudy...ah I can't remember, as long as it's stopped clucking or whatever they do I'm sure it'll taste fine. I had to wedge a piece of 4x2 across the oven door to stop it from getting out)...anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah! The Album. It's finished. Whilst I would have preferred the album title to be "Dan Glee (Enter the fist)" I have bowed down to peer pressure and we have titled the album after one of the songs, namely "The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter".

We're considering doing a live gig, launch-party-stylie to get new album sales and downloads off to a kick-ass start. We've also bought "TheNonkeyBrothers.com", there's bugger all on it at the moment but check back often.

Talk soon, love you all.

Nigel Nonkey

Mixdown is Complete!

Yeeehhhhh! The worst bit about making an album is the final mixdown of the songs. Are the vocals too loud? Too quiet? Too far left-panned? Too far right-panned? Too bassy? Too middly? Too trebly? Too shit? Apply these same criteria to the bass drum, snare drum, hi hats, cymbals, percussion, tom toms, air biscuit, bass guitar, rhythm guitar, lead guitar, piano, organ, synthesizer, sax, trumpet, trombone...blah...blah...blah...andt he 3 or 4 tracks of backing vocals and the special "nobbin' around" track and you can see that it takes ages to poke 'n' peak 'n' tweak the levels.

We burned a first cut CD last week, and generally the vocals were too loud. So we re-mixed lastnight and it's sounding good.

We have dropped 'Babes with Bazookas' from the album. Nige' re-recorded the vocals umpteen times but each time it sounded crap, so we'll see if we can fix it up for the next album.

Over the next week or so I'll be working on the album artwork and inlay, and we'll be exploring the possibility of getting the new album and back catalogue into iTunes so that you can download it. It will also be available from our web site (which now needs updating!)

Nathan White's Pink Sock

This is an apology to Nathan White and everyone else who have been disappointed by the lack of updates recently.

Now that we're resolve the issue with pops and crackles and clicks we've been focused on final mixdown. It's coming along well, and I have the first cut CD in my car to review the mix. We'll be performing a second mixdown tomorrow night, followed a third mix down next week. At that point the album should be finished. Oh, except for the cover artwork which I'm still working on.

BTW Nathan, did you make up that definition of Pink Sock?

iPOP

We finally think we know where the pops and clicks are coming from. We believe they are being introduced into our music via the iPOD. We use an iPOD as an external disk drive to transfer the songs between PCs. Perhaps Apple have built in file corruption algorithms ("copy right protection?") to prevent people transferring music between PCs using an iPOD? Hmmm.

Well, after a lot of review and consolidation, we are on our way to restoring the fidelity of the songs and eradicating the clicks. Keep your fingers crossed (or is this album jixed?)

Thank my pants we have good backups. "Thank you, pants".

Clickety-Click

Currently, we are experiencing some recording problems which manifest themselves as audible 'clicks' in the playback of our recordings.

Nige' reckons they are caused by electrical interference from the heater and the washing machine which are running while we record.

I suspect that Nigel is adding voiced velar plosives through articulatory closures in his oral cavities.

;-)

A Splash of Milk

Here's a piccy of "Swingin' Cat Studios". So named, because the room is so small you can't swing a cat. This is the small bedroom of my (Pete's) house.

Here is where we perform most of the midi programming and guitar recording.

Nige's house, ("Swingin' Cock Studios") is where we record all the vocals and perform the final mixdown.

The main tools of the trade (as displayed in the photo) are a 1989 US Standard Fender Stratocaster, a MESH PC, a Line6 POD for amplifier emulation, a Boss Acoustic simulator, a Behringer XENYX 802 mixer, Edirol speakers, AKG C1000 condenser microphone, Sennheiser headphones and a mug of Twinings Lady Gray tea (no sugar, and just a splash of milk).

"Yow want sam prowns?"

Phew! 'The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter' is now finished, apart from mixdown. A tale of inscrutible marketing in the high-rolling fishmongering business. Another classic destined to be in the live set list.

"Yow want sam prowns?"

"Naaahhhh!"

Album Title Latest

Well, I suggest we just call the album 'Dangly', It made me laugh but Nige' started going off inventing a some knid of martial arts expert from Hong Kong called 'Dang Lee'. He then wanted to have a subtitle to the album 'Dang Lee: Fists of Fury' which suggest some kind of mastabatory connotation.

I quite like 'Kinky Newt'. What do ya think?

Album Status: 2nd May 2007

Well, we're mixing down the album at the moment, but it's taking forever, isn't it? Here's the current status of each track....

1. American Tourettes Doctor -- awaiting final mixdown
2. Babes with Bazookas -- awaiting re-recording of vocals (previous were crappola)
3. Big Naturals History Museum -- awaiting mixdown
4. Dodgey Roger Hodges -- awaiting mixdown
5. The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter -- awaiting recording of guitar and vocal
6. Grab A Granny -- awaiting mixdown
7. I Table A Motion -- vocals re-recorded lastnight (unexplainable pops and clix in original)
8. Lady Lemonade -- FINISHED (Yippee!!!)
9. Switch Off Your Spam Filter (Extended Version)-- Mixed, but needs re-mixing (vocals not
clear enough)
10. Switch Off Your Spam Filter (SingleVersion)-- Needs editing down and remixing.
11. Special Glue -- Awaiting keyboards from Nev
12. Wrong Place in Cyberspace -- Awaiting keyboards from Mike and Nev
13. York Honey Pie -- FINSHED (Yippee!!!)
14. The Piggy Wiggy Song -- Awaiting re-mixing
15. Dic Tato -- Awaiting re-mixing
16. Humongous Butt Fungus -- Awaiting re-mixing

The track "Would You Like A Punch In The Face?" has been shelved; we decided it wasn't funny enough.

Anyway, another mixing session is planned for Thursday so that we can accelerate the delivery of this masterpiece.

The Nonkeys New Drummer Announced

Here he is. The most mature drummer the Nonkeys have ever had. Ollyfunk will be playing the drums for the Nonkeys at all forthcoming gig (if his mum let's him stay up beyond bed time).

Rock 'n' roll, huh?

Dr Clive Umbogo

Hey, fans. Lastnight we finished recording the vocals for 'Switch Off Your Spam Filter'. The original song was a 3 minute classic, but Nige' had this idea to add a middle section recital by one of the characters in the song, Doctor Clive Umbogo. Now the song is 7 minutes long!

Here's the script to whet your appetite...we recorded it in one take, mistakes and laughter all included. I laughed so much I wet myself. Luckily I was sitting on Nige's executive chair. Now whenever he sits down at his PC, he gets a waft of my stale urine phuffing up between his legs. Some people would pay a fortune for that privilege.

Dear friend,
I got your email address through interest browsing in my search for a reliable and truth worthy person who will assist me in a business investment venture in your country.

My name is Doctor Clive Umbogo, diplomatic attache’ to Prince Fakir Wotamofo the elder son of the late King Wotamofo the II whose demise occur following a brief illness. After the death of King Wotamofo, The Honourable Prince Fakir was deposed as civil unrest swept my country. I was authorised and officially known as the executor of the Wotamofo family fortune according to African Traditional rite.

Most of King Wotamofo's wealth, a not insubstantial sum in excess of 30 million US dollars resides in an offshore account.

I seek your most reliable and loyal assistance in transferring the funds to British soil where I will soon visit. You will collect a 10% transfer fee for your hard work and aid in this delicate matter
Please forward you bank account details to me at your earliest convenience for a mutually beneficial transaction.

Yours sincerely
Dr Clive Umbogo

The Boys

The Nonkey Brothers, handsome dudes huh?

WANTED: HCD GSOH WLTM UAHAT

Hilarious Comedy Duo, Good Sense of Humour, Would Like To Meet Unique and Humorous Album Title.

We need a title for the new album. Any suggestions?

I quite like "Standing On The Toes of Midgets".

Return of the Funky Guitar Jedi

Whoa! I'm goooooood. I just peed-in-a-ma-pants; it's the return of the Funky Guitar Jedi.

Just recorded two guitar solos to America Tourettes Doctor. One guitar plays the solo, then a second harmony guitar come's in and.....ooooo.....as sweet as my nuts. '59 Gibson Les Paul standard through a Marshall amplifier. Thick plectrum, quick fingers and a whole lotta guitar magic. Put's Nige's p-poor vocals well 'n' truly in the shade.

Statu-fication Pertaining - New Album

So, here's the current status of the album. We've been beavering away and cranking 'em out ;-)

We've got 16 songs written...

1. American Tourettes Doctor, 2. Babes with Bazookas, 3. Big Naturals History Museum, 4. Dodgey Roger Hodges, 5. The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter, 6. Grab A Granny, 7. I Table A Motion, 8. Lady Lemonade, 9. Would You Like A Punch In The Face? 10. Switch Off Your Spam Filter, 11. Special Glue, 12. Wrong Place in Cyberspace, 13. York Honey Pie, 14. The Piggy Wiggy Song, 15. Dic Tato, 16. Humongous Butt Fungus

Nige has done the vocals for (1), (2), (3), (4), (7), (8), (9), (14), (15) and (16). The Very Reverend has done keyboards for (1), (2) and (3). Blind Lemon is working on (8). For my part, I have done awesome guitar solos for (1) and (2) and superb harmony vocals on (7).

We're getting closer to completion. Keep the faith.

Blind Lemon and the Very Reverend

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives us great pleasure to introduce you to the guys that polish our metaphorical turd, the guys that tinkle the immitation ebonies and ivories: the keyboard players.

Blind Lemon Mikey is so called because he is neither blind nor lemon-like. He was however, christened "Michael" and we feel that's a good enough reason to call him Mikey (it's kinda cuddly, don't you think?)

Mikey has been the primary tinkler since the inception of the Nonkey Brothers and feature on almost all of the Nonkeys previous albums. Mikey brings a phychotic avante-garde jazz-fusionist soundscape to otherwise ordinary songs. He is the inventor and patent holder for the C#Major13-augmented18 chord, which he found by accident whilst running his elbows over his keyboard. Mikey lives in North Wales with his partner, Sheepy.

Similarly, the Very Reverend Nev is named thus, because he is not a member of any ordained clergy but he is called "Neville". The Very Reverend brings an interesting 'looseness' to keyboard playing -- he can be as much as a quaver behind the rest of the music.

Together, Blind Lemon and the Very Reverend add an interesting combination of juices to the mix.

Dee vox meister

I'm pleased to announce that after a somewhat hectic Christams hiatus the boys are back. And we have begun recording the vocals. I know, I know, our web site says that the album will be finished by the end of 2006 but the truth is...not that. But have no fear, we give you our personal, 100%, cast iron guarantee that the album may be finished in 2007.

Anyway, to the subject of this post. We are now recording the vocals and this is where, using only the incredible magical properties of my voice, I literally polish the musical turds that Peter has excreted. What begins as an ugly duckling covered in mucky drums and badly played guitar metapmorphosizamificates into a beautiful, hilarious, guffaw-inducing swan-like masterpiece at the caress of my golden vocal tones. But I can't take all the credit, I do want to thank Peter for clicking the record button.

Thanks buddy. Good job.