Nonkey's For Number 1 Viral Campaign

Hi there all. It's been a long time since we finished the 'Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter' album and it's selling well on iTunes.

We have now decided to mount an offensive on the UK singles chart in order to get one Nonkey song to number 1 in the charts. We'd like you, and everyone you know, to help us. We would like to ask everyone to support the campaign by downloading the song 'Switch Off Your Spam Filter (EXTENDED MIX)' from iTunes during the week of Monday 7 - Sunday 13 SEPTEMBER 2009.

If enough people download the song, we can get the Nonkey Brothers to number one, and 'stick it to the man' - big, corporate music mogals who swamp the charts with musical dirge.

What's in it for you? Well, apart from the satisfaction of 'sticking it to the man' you get a copy of a great song. It will cost each person 79p to download, and to sweeten this, all profits from the download of this song will go to Comic Relief.

Please tell your friends, please tell everyone - download The Nonkey Brothers 'Switch Off Your Spam Filter (EXTENDED MIX)' from iTunes during the week of Monday 7 - Sunday 13 SEPTEMBER 2009. Please put this in your calendar and please help us by sending this email to as many people as you can.

Thanks
Pete and Nige' (The Nonkey Brothers)

So Wot Next?

Will someone buy our album? We need to make our millions. C'mon. Do us a favour, will ya? I need liposuction.

****

We are now in that limbo-state between projects. 'The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter' has been our best album to date. So how to follow our best ever album? We now have to start on our 'bester' ever album.

Nige' wants to write another musical. We wrote 'Geek' some years ago, and we wanted to put it on the stage - we even had some initial discussions with an amateur dramatics society but it came to nothing. 'Geek' took us three years to write and record, so the thought of writing another musical fills me with dread; I don't want to be 46 when we've finished it!

And there's the small matter of what to write about? We've had abortive attempts to write musicals/screen plays for 'Extreme Eggs' (a story about superhero eggs), some pig-rustling idea, Minty Patel's 'Sherbert' and all manner of other crap. Any ideas?

We're on iTunes! And we're Poptastic mate.

Well we're finally rubbing shoulders with the big guns. Yes peeps the Nonks have moved in on iTunes and woh is it crowded in here. Unfortunately we have been categorised incorrectly. All our songs have a genre of "pop". I guess maybe the publishin' company didn't think we were very funny...hmm...but they'd be wrong. Anyway, we'd really like to thank AWAL for getting our songs online, and for nuffin too. Sweeet. So, go spend yer hard earned wongly stuff and enjoy.

P.S apologies for the photo in the last post. I know, it's hideous. Pete bought these stupid glasses round which made us look really stupid, and we already look pretty stupid without them, so we posed with stupid expressions, wearing stupid tank tops, and now we look really stupid. Sorry.

It's all happenin'

Woh, what a night. This is what we did.
1) Finished all the paperwork and shite for http://www.awal.com/, just need to send it off and hope they like us. iTunes 'ere we come woohoo!
2) Uploaded some more pages to the website http://www.thenonkeybrothers.com/
3) Recorded our second podcast - a discussion about our first video
4) Came up with an idea for a new song "My Meaty Delicacy"

Pete was in a feckin grumpy mood tonight, but I played him "Blue Veined Olympic Games" off the "Large Tough Chicken" album and that cheered him up a bit.

My DECK! I mean, the ALBUM!

Woohoo, it's all getting very exciting! Yesterday I finished the front portion of the deck I'm building. My house is built on a synclined slope and so I constructed a 1500mm wide bridging bearer section which inclines at an angle of.....oops...sorry..nevermind. So, anyway, the album. Well, not much to report really [so why write a feckin' blog entry then?]. We're working hard on the PR and digital distribution of the new album (actually, that's what I told Peter, in truth I'm dossing about doing nuffin, I'll just let him do all the work then reap the rewards, don't tell him though, it'll be oooour liiiiittle seeeecret.).

FYI I've challenged Peter to make me rich beyond my wildest dreams by 4pm (BST) August 21st 2009, if he fails I'm splitting the band...again.


Of course he may need your help. You may be required to squander your hard earned cash on the musical nonsense that we generate on a regular basis. But it's a small price to pay for....er...hmmm...well, it's a small price to pay, end of.

Flippin' Cheese

It's done! It's bleedin' well done I tells ya. No, not the turkey (although I really ought to go check it, what do they say, the juices have to run clear...or is it cloudy...ah I can't remember, as long as it's stopped clucking or whatever they do I'm sure it'll taste fine. I had to wedge a piece of 4x2 across the oven door to stop it from getting out)...anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah! The Album. It's finished. Whilst I would have preferred the album title to be "Dan Glee (Enter the fist)" I have bowed down to peer pressure and we have titled the album after one of the songs, namely "The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter".

We're considering doing a live gig, launch-party-stylie to get new album sales and downloads off to a kick-ass start. We've also bought "TheNonkeyBrothers.com", there's bugger all on it at the moment but check back often.

Talk soon, love you all.

Nigel Nonkey

Mixdown is Complete!

Yeeehhhhh! The worst bit about making an album is the final mixdown of the songs. Are the vocals too loud? Too quiet? Too far left-panned? Too far right-panned? Too bassy? Too middly? Too trebly? Too shit? Apply these same criteria to the bass drum, snare drum, hi hats, cymbals, percussion, tom toms, air biscuit, bass guitar, rhythm guitar, lead guitar, piano, organ, synthesizer, sax, trumpet, trombone...blah...blah...blah...andt he 3 or 4 tracks of backing vocals and the special "nobbin' around" track and you can see that it takes ages to poke 'n' peak 'n' tweak the levels.

We burned a first cut CD last week, and generally the vocals were too loud. So we re-mixed lastnight and it's sounding good.

We have dropped 'Babes with Bazookas' from the album. Nige' re-recorded the vocals umpteen times but each time it sounded crap, so we'll see if we can fix it up for the next album.

Over the next week or so I'll be working on the album artwork and inlay, and we'll be exploring the possibility of getting the new album and back catalogue into iTunes so that you can download it. It will also be available from our web site (which now needs updating!)

Nathan White's Pink Sock

This is an apology to Nathan White and everyone else who have been disappointed by the lack of updates recently.

Now that we're resolve the issue with pops and crackles and clicks we've been focused on final mixdown. It's coming along well, and I have the first cut CD in my car to review the mix. We'll be performing a second mixdown tomorrow night, followed a third mix down next week. At that point the album should be finished. Oh, except for the cover artwork which I'm still working on.

BTW Nathan, did you make up that definition of Pink Sock?

iPOP

We finally think we know where the pops and clicks are coming from. We believe they are being introduced into our music via the iPOD. We use an iPOD as an external disk drive to transfer the songs between PCs. Perhaps Apple have built in file corruption algorithms ("copy right protection?") to prevent people transferring music between PCs using an iPOD? Hmmm.

Well, after a lot of review and consolidation, we are on our way to restoring the fidelity of the songs and eradicating the clicks. Keep your fingers crossed (or is this album jixed?)

Thank my pants we have good backups. "Thank you, pants".

Clickety-Click

Currently, we are experiencing some recording problems which manifest themselves as audible 'clicks' in the playback of our recordings.

Nige' reckons they are caused by electrical interference from the heater and the washing machine which are running while we record.

I suspect that Nigel is adding voiced velar plosives through articulatory closures in his oral cavities.

;-)

A Splash of Milk

Here's a piccy of "Swingin' Cat Studios". So named, because the room is so small you can't swing a cat. This is the small bedroom of my (Pete's) house.

Here is where we perform most of the midi programming and guitar recording.

Nige's house, ("Swingin' Cock Studios") is where we record all the vocals and perform the final mixdown.

The main tools of the trade (as displayed in the photo) are a 1989 US Standard Fender Stratocaster, a MESH PC, a Line6 POD for amplifier emulation, a Boss Acoustic simulator, a Behringer XENYX 802 mixer, Edirol speakers, AKG C1000 condenser microphone, Sennheiser headphones and a mug of Twinings Lady Gray tea (no sugar, and just a splash of milk).

"Yow want sam prowns?"

Phew! 'The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter' is now finished, apart from mixdown. A tale of inscrutible marketing in the high-rolling fishmongering business. Another classic destined to be in the live set list.

"Yow want sam prowns?"

"Naaahhhh!"

Album Title Latest

Well, I suggest we just call the album 'Dangly', It made me laugh but Nige' started going off inventing a some knid of martial arts expert from Hong Kong called 'Dang Lee'. He then wanted to have a subtitle to the album 'Dang Lee: Fists of Fury' which suggest some kind of mastabatory connotation.

I quite like 'Kinky Newt'. What do ya think?

Album Status: 2nd May 2007

Well, we're mixing down the album at the moment, but it's taking forever, isn't it? Here's the current status of each track....

1. American Tourettes Doctor -- awaiting final mixdown
2. Babes with Bazookas -- awaiting re-recording of vocals (previous were crappola)
3. Big Naturals History Museum -- awaiting mixdown
4. Dodgey Roger Hodges -- awaiting mixdown
5. The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter -- awaiting recording of guitar and vocal
6. Grab A Granny -- awaiting mixdown
7. I Table A Motion -- vocals re-recorded lastnight (unexplainable pops and clix in original)
8. Lady Lemonade -- FINISHED (Yippee!!!)
9. Switch Off Your Spam Filter (Extended Version)-- Mixed, but needs re-mixing (vocals not
clear enough)
10. Switch Off Your Spam Filter (SingleVersion)-- Needs editing down and remixing.
11. Special Glue -- Awaiting keyboards from Nev
12. Wrong Place in Cyberspace -- Awaiting keyboards from Mike and Nev
13. York Honey Pie -- FINSHED (Yippee!!!)
14. The Piggy Wiggy Song -- Awaiting re-mixing
15. Dic Tato -- Awaiting re-mixing
16. Humongous Butt Fungus -- Awaiting re-mixing

The track "Would You Like A Punch In The Face?" has been shelved; we decided it wasn't funny enough.

Anyway, another mixing session is planned for Thursday so that we can accelerate the delivery of this masterpiece.

The Nonkeys New Drummer Announced

Here he is. The most mature drummer the Nonkeys have ever had. Ollyfunk will be playing the drums for the Nonkeys at all forthcoming gig (if his mum let's him stay up beyond bed time).

Rock 'n' roll, huh?

Dr Clive Umbogo

Hey, fans. Lastnight we finished recording the vocals for 'Switch Off Your Spam Filter'. The original song was a 3 minute classic, but Nige' had this idea to add a middle section recital by one of the characters in the song, Doctor Clive Umbogo. Now the song is 7 minutes long!

Here's the script to whet your appetite...we recorded it in one take, mistakes and laughter all included. I laughed so much I wet myself. Luckily I was sitting on Nige's executive chair. Now whenever he sits down at his PC, he gets a waft of my stale urine phuffing up between his legs. Some people would pay a fortune for that privilege.

Dear friend,
I got your email address through interest browsing in my search for a reliable and truth worthy person who will assist me in a business investment venture in your country.

My name is Doctor Clive Umbogo, diplomatic attache’ to Prince Fakir Wotamofo the elder son of the late King Wotamofo the II whose demise occur following a brief illness. After the death of King Wotamofo, The Honourable Prince Fakir was deposed as civil unrest swept my country. I was authorised and officially known as the executor of the Wotamofo family fortune according to African Traditional rite.

Most of King Wotamofo's wealth, a not insubstantial sum in excess of 30 million US dollars resides in an offshore account.

I seek your most reliable and loyal assistance in transferring the funds to British soil where I will soon visit. You will collect a 10% transfer fee for your hard work and aid in this delicate matter
Please forward you bank account details to me at your earliest convenience for a mutually beneficial transaction.

Yours sincerely
Dr Clive Umbogo

The Boys

The Nonkey Brothers, handsome dudes huh?

WANTED: HCD GSOH WLTM UAHAT

Hilarious Comedy Duo, Good Sense of Humour, Would Like To Meet Unique and Humorous Album Title.

We need a title for the new album. Any suggestions?

I quite like "Standing On The Toes of Midgets".

Return of the Funky Guitar Jedi

Whoa! I'm goooooood. I just peed-in-a-ma-pants; it's the return of the Funky Guitar Jedi.

Just recorded two guitar solos to America Tourettes Doctor. One guitar plays the solo, then a second harmony guitar come's in and.....ooooo.....as sweet as my nuts. '59 Gibson Les Paul standard through a Marshall amplifier. Thick plectrum, quick fingers and a whole lotta guitar magic. Put's Nige's p-poor vocals well 'n' truly in the shade.

Statu-fication Pertaining - New Album

So, here's the current status of the album. We've been beavering away and cranking 'em out ;-)

We've got 16 songs written...

1. American Tourettes Doctor, 2. Babes with Bazookas, 3. Big Naturals History Museum, 4. Dodgey Roger Hodges, 5. The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter, 6. Grab A Granny, 7. I Table A Motion, 8. Lady Lemonade, 9. Would You Like A Punch In The Face? 10. Switch Off Your Spam Filter, 11. Special Glue, 12. Wrong Place in Cyberspace, 13. York Honey Pie, 14. The Piggy Wiggy Song, 15. Dic Tato, 16. Humongous Butt Fungus

Nige has done the vocals for (1), (2), (3), (4), (7), (8), (9), (14), (15) and (16). The Very Reverend has done keyboards for (1), (2) and (3). Blind Lemon is working on (8). For my part, I have done awesome guitar solos for (1) and (2) and superb harmony vocals on (7).

We're getting closer to completion. Keep the faith.

Blind Lemon and the Very Reverend

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives us great pleasure to introduce you to the guys that polish our metaphorical turd, the guys that tinkle the immitation ebonies and ivories: the keyboard players.

Blind Lemon Mikey is so called because he is neither blind nor lemon-like. He was however, christened "Michael" and we feel that's a good enough reason to call him Mikey (it's kinda cuddly, don't you think?)

Mikey has been the primary tinkler since the inception of the Nonkey Brothers and feature on almost all of the Nonkeys previous albums. Mikey brings a phychotic avante-garde jazz-fusionist soundscape to otherwise ordinary songs. He is the inventor and patent holder for the C#Major13-augmented18 chord, which he found by accident whilst running his elbows over his keyboard. Mikey lives in North Wales with his partner, Sheepy.

Similarly, the Very Reverend Nev is named thus, because he is not a member of any ordained clergy but he is called "Neville". The Very Reverend brings an interesting 'looseness' to keyboard playing -- he can be as much as a quaver behind the rest of the music.

Together, Blind Lemon and the Very Reverend add an interesting combination of juices to the mix.

Dee vox meister

I'm pleased to announce that after a somewhat hectic Christams hiatus the boys are back. And we have begun recording the vocals. I know, I know, our web site says that the album will be finished by the end of 2006 but the truth is...not that. But have no fear, we give you our personal, 100%, cast iron guarantee that the album may be finished in 2007.

Anyway, to the subject of this post. We are now recording the vocals and this is where, using only the incredible magical properties of my voice, I literally polish the musical turds that Peter has excreted. What begins as an ugly duckling covered in mucky drums and badly played guitar metapmorphosizamificates into a beautiful, hilarious, guffaw-inducing swan-like masterpiece at the caress of my golden vocal tones. But I can't take all the credit, I do want to thank Peter for clicking the record button.

Thanks buddy. Good job.

The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter

Finally, we finished the lyrics to 'The Unscrupulous Fishmongers Daughter'. It took ages, looking for fishy innuendo and rhymes but it was worth it. Another Nonkey classic.

PC's Are Faeces

Shit! 14 November we spent hours recording the guitar and structuring the song previously known as 'American Tourettes Doctor'. Then, at 11pm we lost the master edit file. Don't ask me how, I'm guessing Nige' wiggled the mouse too furiously, and William F. Gates has in-built obsolescence to CRASHIF Mouse_Wiggle = 'FURIOUS'. Cnut. Willy 'kin Gates if you're reading this, Fu-Q.

We then spent an hour trying to restore the corrupted file.

HOTTER NEWS: Nonkey Brothers Reform

After some negotiations, the The Nonkey Brothers have agreed to reform to complete the new album. Recording night has been moved to Wednesday 8 November 2006.

HOT NEWS: Nonkey Brothers Split

Hot off the press, Peter Nonkey has questioned Nigel Nonkey's commitment to the band. Tuesday 7 November 2006 is a scheduled recording night, but Nigel has decided to out for a beer with work colleagues instead.

The Nonkey Brothers have agreed to go their separate ways.

We're On A Roll

Yeh baby! Now we're on a roll. On Tuesday 12 September 2006 we recorded the guitar parts for 'I Table A Motion' and to 'Wrong Place in Cyberspace'. Once again, my guitar virtuosity triumphed! The Funky Guitar Jedi returns.

One Chord Pony

What Nige' fails to understand, of course, is that where it takes lesser guitarist several chords to capture the emotive essence of a song, I can do it in one. Forget Scotty Moores jazz-tinged rock 'n' roll strummings or Jimi Hendrix's wild-ass noodlings and Steve Jones three-chord thrashes. If you are as good as me, one chord is all you need. And my playing ain't 'out of time'; it's called 'swing'. I got 'swing' by the sackful. I'm the original swinger.

I will admit one thing...

...Peter is an extraordinary guitarist. I know that sounds weird coming from me, I'm usually putting him down, slagging him off or otherwise trying to pump up my ego whilst deflating his. But when it comes to mastery of his chosen instrument, Peter is second to none. In all honesty, it's a true delight to watch him play. The way he carefully but sensually lifts his strat up onto his lap, like a delicate lover. The way he tunes it's strings, gently plucking and twisting as if beginning the musical foreplay. The way he grips the maple neck, firmly but sensually, as if to show his baby that he is in charge, but that he wants nothing more than for her to sing with delight. And then he slowly turns the volume and tone controls, engages the acoustic simulator, flicks the pick-up selector whilst positioning his fingers and then down, down comes the plectrum, it hits the first string perfectly and continues on, a chord begins to swell and by the end of the stroke the sweetest most beautiful symbiotic combination of tones rings out. The hair on the back of my neck rises, my eyes sting with the emotion, the shear beauty of the moment is breath taking. And then it is over. I stop the recording and that single perfect chord is captured forever in millions of ones and zeroes.

And there's the problem right there, one chord, one f#'king chord, that's all he can bloody play and guess who has to w#nking-well cut, paste and pitch shift that chord into a whole bloody song, yep, you've guest it, muggins here. He can't even play the damn thing in time, I have to manually correct that too! Sheesh, what a tosser.

Having said that, after I had worked my digital wizardry on Peter's chord Big Naturals History Museum is actually starting to sound pretty good. If I can be arsed I might upload a little snippit for you to listen to. No vox yet I'm afraid.

I Am The Funky Guitar Jedi

Yo, Nonkster! Finally we got down to the best part of the Nonkey recording process; recording my guitar parts. The song ain't worth a sh*t until I've sprinkled my magic funk dust over it. Then, it comes to life. I just plug my funky Fender Stratocaster into my funky Boss Acoustic Simulator, take the output to the PC and when Nige' says 'Funk it baby!' Funkmagic comes from my fingers. Listen out for the funky riff on the opening of 'Big Naturals History Museum'. I am the Funky Guitar Jedi. Freak out.

After the Hiatus

Hey...yeh...we're still alive. Sorry about that little break in communications. The creative juices dried up and when you're constipated the worse thing you can do it force it; just ask Nige' (his constant creative constipation has resulted in many-a stiff-shit song remember 'Willy Poppin' anyone?)

After the classic 'Special Glue' song we've taken a bit of time to gather our thoughts, review our work in progress and have a holiday. The good new is that we start recording the guitars and vocal parts for the songs next week. Tuesday, 5 Sept. 2006. My birthday! I'll be forty-bleedin'-two. Yeysuz. I started the Nonkeys when I was a young whippy-snappy twenty-one year old!

How times change. I guess that's why we find it increasingly difficult to write funny lyrics; we just can't write songs about the things we used to write songs about. 'I Want To Caress Your Creamy White Breasts' makes you titter when you're 21, but if we sang it now we'd just be accused of being dirty-old men. Which actually, we are, so maybe it doesn't matter. I like young firm white breasts. Nothing under-age, you understand. Just plump, flubbery, jiggly juggles. Yummy. Oooo.

Special Glue

So, here we are again. Pete and I back to blogging. Actually we're sitting together at the keyboard right now so this is a mutual blog. We've just finished the words and music to a brand new song called "Special Glue". It's all about a guy who exploits the glue-like properties of his...er....love secretions. Not sure there is much else I should say...oh... apart from the fact that it involves 18 nuns and a broken rolling pin.

Uma Thurmans Pallumpas

She's kind of funny looking, not your natural beauty,
she looks great in tight jeans, but she'd look better covered in my juicies.

Mongos Bongos

He's got an extra 21st chromosome
makes him dribble, and rock and moan
He suffers a degree of cognitive debility
but demonstrates a modicome of rhythmic ability

Wherever he goes his bongos with him
and everyone loves Mongos bongo riddim

Caught Up In Da Boollax

Sorry folks for not updating da big log lately, we've been caught up in da boollax.

As you recollect I wrote a song called 'Would You Like A Smack In the Mouth' which Nige' dumbed-down to 'Would You Like a Punch In The Face' to avoid any drug connotation. Well, that done, we set out to program the music. We found a superb Pasa Doble song on the internet, and we've spent a hairy mamouth balloon-busting 4 weeks re-programming the booger just to get it to match the melody. It sounds great, but it's STILL not finished, and in a rush to comlplete it Nige' has suggested he raps the hook line /chorus. It makes me laugh but it's turned what could've been a classic sing-along into what we call a 'stocking filler' (ie a song that we'll record for the album but will never see the light of day again).

So I think we should drop the Pasa Doble idea (after 4 weeks work) and go back to a more traditional guitar/drums/bass song. Tonight, I take the proposal to my writing partner. I will let you know how it goes.

Ooo, gotta shit. Laterz.

Foresight IS a wonderful thing

So Nige' scoffs, because I said I'd like the power of 'foresight'. Yeh, I could've said I'd like to be X-Ray Man so I can see girlies nawks through their lacies. I could've said I'd like to be Cumslinger Man so I could shoot crims with my high powered blue-veined custard chucker. But I didn't. I said I'd like to have the power of foresight. Surely an equally cool superpower?

Surely, If Nige' had foresight he would NEVER have taken the life-paths he has. Heh?

Foresight is a wonderful thing

"If you had a super power, what would it be and why?"

This is a classic psyche analysis question. Not being a psychologist I have absolutely no clue how one would accurately interpret a subject's answer. But what I do know is that normal people will all say "The ability to fly" and "Coz it would be a right laugh". People who are just beginning the short journey to noodleland, and hence have the potential to be saved, might say "The ability to shoot web" (ref. Spiderman) and "Coz it would be a right laugh". Any other response and I'm afraid you're in for a long stay at Hotel Binlooney.

Now, you may wonder why the heck I am telling you all this? Well, Peter recently had a psyche test, and in the test he was asked this classic question "If you had a super power, what would it be and why?". And do you know what he said? Go on, take a guess....I'll wait....nope, not that, although there is a small land-locked state in Madagascar where that is actually legal...go on try again....nope...he didn't say that either, not even for comedy effect, and the doctor doing the test was female so that may have been inappropriate. OK, you are never going to guess, so I'll have to tell you. He said......"Foresight".

(cue tumbleweed and the sound of gentle wind)

I didn't even hear why he said this coz I think I may have fallen asleep. It was such a DULL answer. DULL DULL DULL. I'm going to treat this as a short transient phase in Peter's life. I have to. I'm not even going to begin to consider what this response might infer regarding Peter's mental state, apart from perhaps that he didn't have one.

Anyway, I think he's OK now. His idea about nailing rubber castings of ladies chesty-bumps at waist height (see previous blog and associated song idea) seems to suggest to me that he is back in the land of normal. But, I will be monitoring this situation....

It's started raining again

Metaphorically of course. Yep, so what, so freakin' what, we had a short "ideas drought", it happens to the best of us. And since Peter insisted on banning the use of my hose pipe (which I usually use to shower him with inspiration when I'm feeling a bit artistically frustrated or he's annoying me) what's a guy to do. So, we sat and festered in dried up puddles of creativity for nearly 2 weeks.

Then suddenly, on Monday night, the thunder clapped, the heavens opened and a torrential downpour of sidesplitting comedy rain soaked us through (am I pushing this analogy a little to hard?).

Peter's "big naturals" idea actually turned into one wickedly funny song called "The Big Naturals History Museum". I'm not even gonna try to describe it, you'll just have to wait, but this is a good one!

New Album Hits the Skids

Another song writing Monday evening came and went. No fervent tappety-tap of computer keyboard, not guffawing at our own genius, no marvelling at how we managed to shoe-horn obscure words into an impossible rhyme.

The fertile minds that once bore Nonkey fruit have dried up. We are in the midst of a comedy drought. Not since 1976 have we faced such hardship. If this continues we will need to install stand-pipes.

For 3 hours we sat there, in the music room, staring at each other. All Nige' could come up with was a idea to write a song called 'You Are Shit'. I had an idea to write a song about 'Big Naturals'. We laughed at the thought of a song called 'Big Naturals History Museum'. And that was it. Total waste of time. We need inspiration. Anyone?

Nonkey Songwriting Technique Part 3 - DRUMS

So, we've (I've) written lyrics to 'I Table A Motion', and Nige' has tweeked them (ie removed some of the words cos he thinks it's a physical impossibility to get all of the syllables to scan - where as I think he's just lazy).

We've got the formula (Key to The Safe) * (Catchy + Happy) * p = NONKEY CLASSIC
Where p is the special factor, 'Peter Magic'.

We already know the Key to The Safe is going to be 'A'. We've devised a happy major chord progression of 'E', 'A', 'D' (and we've added a bit of spice to the D Chord by leaving one finger off and playing an 'E' note). And we've decided on a Ska-style song.

Next we need to lay down the drum track. We could get a drummer in, but they never keep perfect time. So we program the track via midi, beat by beat in Tracktion. OR we find a previously programmed, like-style midi song on the Internet and use the drum sequence from that. For this song we took 'Baggy Trousers' by Madness as the basis for the drum sequence. We lifted a short 2 bar section to give us a basic bass drum, snare drum, hi-hat sequence to provide is with our drum template.

As Sweet As My Come. To be continued.

Isn't Spam A Wonderful Thing?

Hey, I'm a lucky geezer, ain't I? It's amazing how many emails I get from people I don't know -- and they're all offering me amazing things; Knock down prices on Viagra and dirt cheap penis enlargement pills -- their market research is amazing! The only way they'd know I have a small, flacid dick would be if they'd surveryed my old girlfriends. Smart people.

But the best emails have to be from Mister Umbongo in Nigeria. His last dying wish seems to be for me to have the small fortune he's accumulated legitimately though accountancy fraud. Come on, how could anybody refuse such a wonderful opportunity? And I've been chosen for my trustworthiness and for my closeness to Godliness. Who has Mr Umbongo been speaking to to know I'm such an upstanding pillar of the community?

Anyway, these great unsolicited offers inspired the new Nonkey song 'Switch off Your Spam Filters'. Great song, great spam.

Keep diggin' the Nonkeys!

C'mon Nige' Where's Ya Classic?

OK, gang, here's the rub. We've written the lyrics for at least 50% of the songs for the new 2006 album and Nige' has only come up with one of those songs. Sure, he's added his special sauce to my lyrics, but the only original idea he's had is 'Lady Lemonade'. So, I would just like to remind him (and everyone else) exactly how good a song writer he is, when he's in the zone. Here are the lyrics to 'Darren McTangles Turnips'. Oh, Nige', those were the days. Please, please, please get in the zone. You can't rely on me to carry you.


I grow turnips in me wee allotment
Situated in the Forth of Firth of Fife of Scotland.
All the bonnie lassies come from miles around
Just to see me turnips growing in the ground.

You take the high road and I'll take the low road
And I'll be Scotland afore yee.
I'll take the high road and you take the low road
And we'll have turnip soup for tea.

diddley idley diddley idley
diddley idley diddley idley
diddley idley diddley idley
diddley idley diddley oh

Two wee lassies, I think that they were foreign
Were givin' me a funny look as I fumbled with me sporran.
I felt a little shameful I felt a little guilt
When I pulled a 2 pound turnip from beneath me kilt.

You take the high road and I'll take the low road
And I'll be Scotland afore yee.
I'll take the high road and you take the low road
And we'll have turnip soup for tea.

diddley idley ...

What a Balloon Buster

Phew! That was a balloon buster. Lift your imaginary unfeasibly over-sized testicles on to the desk in front of you and use your imaginary comedy mallet to tenderize the aforemention space-hoppers until your eyes water.

That's what it's like trying to get what you hear in your head transcribed into a drum sequence, a bassline, a piano part, a bassoon solo.

Lastnight, we started laying down the music backing for 'Lady Lemonade'. This means using Tracktion (http://www.mackie.com/products/tracktion2/splash.html) to program indivual tracks. We can't decide if Tracktion is awesome or shit, because this is the first time we've used it in anger (and frustration). First impressions are, that it's cock.

In the good old days we used a Commodore Amiga with Music X sequencing software. 'Little Johnny Amiga' was the affectionate name we gave to our rather flakey computey.

Then, when it became clear that you were a nobody unless you had an Intel-inside we relucantly switched to PC. For many years we used Voyetras Digital Orchestrator, but with the introduction of Windows 98 that too became flakey-pastry apple crumble, F*CK it's just crash AGAIN! BASTAAAARRRDDDDD!

Now, in the 21st Century, we've tried Cakewalk, but that seems to be confounding, befuddling bollox. So, we're persevering with Tracktion. We'll let you know whether we personally recommend it, or give it a Nonkey Phrrt.

Nonkey Songwriting Technique Part 2

So, where was I? Ahh, yes. I've had the idea, I've written the lyrics. Now I have to write the music.

Musical inspiration can come to me at anytime. And when it comes, it comes in a flash, without warning. I have to sieze the moment, grab my guitar and work out the melody before it is gone forever. I've lost count of the number of times I've had a number one hit single in my head but I've forgotten it before I've had time to wipe my arse and flush the bog (forget washing your hands).

It normally starts with an idea (my idea) for a melody. The melody has to be catchy, something that people will sing along to. I am the Master of Melody. Then, it's a case of fitting a guitar chord sequence around the melody. I am the Master of Chords Sequences.

Nige' (the less talented Nonkey) has an limited range of 'vocal stylings' he can call upon, depending on the syle of the song. He tends to favour 'straight' singing in the key of A, or thereabouts. I call this the 'Key to The Safe'. If we stick to A we can be pretty sure most notes will be within Nige's range (ie there won't be much vocal talent required). And there'll definately be no anal prolapse when Nige' struggles for the high notes. I remember one time we tried to record a song in the key of Bb, but when Nige' reached for the high note I had to put my fist up his arse to ensure he did not lose his internal organs. (Or was that just a dream I had?)

Actually, Bb is fine if he applies the mallet-to-the-spacehoppers-Bee-Gees technique, and G is OK for that Bob-Dylan-out-of-key-can't-sing-for-toffee effect which Nige' seems to want to perpetuate the use of on all Nonkey songs.

Anyhow, back to the chords. The catchy chorus is what it's all about. If there's a chorus to be sung, it has to be catchy and happy (I am the Master of the Catchy Happy Chorus). That means keeping the chord sequence simple and avoiding those melancholy Minor chords.

The formula is:

Key to the Safe=A
Catchy=Simple Chords.
Happy=Major Chords.

(Key to The Safe) * (Catchy + Happy) * p = NONKEY CLASSIC

Where p is the special factor, I like to call 'Peter Magic'. Heh?

Tough job

Well, monday night saw another few hours of Nonkey magic. Pete and I spent a couple of hours deliberating over whether his new song "Smack in the Mouth" (Now called "Punch in the face") should contain the phrase "fruit punch flavoured" or "fruity punch flavoured" (I know, I know, it is quite sad). Anyway, I favored the former. Now, I did just use the word "deliberating", in reality it was a rather more heated exchange, I accused him of being a precious little madam who couldn't handle even the most minor criticsm and he called me a w*nker.

We broke for hot bevvies, I had a coffee and Peter had his usual mug of Lady Grey. I have told him many times that he's a ponce for drinking such exotic tea, but he seems to enjoy it, and the tea. So after the poncey tea break, we got back to it and tried to work on a different song. This one is a poetic, aliterative masterpiece, which contains a marvellous, switchback progression from verse to verse of the dominant internal aliterative syllables. From memory it goes something like this

Dodgey Roger Hodges, the odd job bodger
Lodged his todger in a podgey old codger

This meaty wedgey made Reggie Hedges,
a perennial veggie, very edgy

Messy Bessy....

So you see, we start with the "odge" sound, then keep the "dge" sound but replace the "o" with an "e" in the second verse to give "edge", then we switch and keep the "e" but replace the "dge" with "ss", and so it goes. It's so f**king clever, I'm almost wetting my pants writing about it. The the best thing is the whole song reaches towards a climax with a whole gang of unlikely characters having a full on, depraved, orgy, which is itself a metaphor for the perverse orgy of rhyme and aliteration that permeates the entire poetic dynamic of the work....I have now peed in my undies....sorry. Good evening.

Would You Like A Smack In The Mouth?

After Caractacus Potts' and Truly Scrumptious' failed marketing campaign for 'Toot Sweets' I always wanted to invent a new sweet called a 'Smack In The Mouth'. I thought it could be a fizzy, tangy sweet that give you a 'smack'. Wouldn't the marketing campaign be cool? Just think, you could go round asking people if they would like a 'Smack In The Mouth'. Heh?

So I wrote the lyrics to 'Would You Like A Smack In The Mouth?' and Nige' edited them (read 'dumbed them down') because, apparently, 'smack' has a drug connotation. So now it's called 'Would You Like A Boiled Sweet'. S'gonna be a hit, that, eh Nige'?

Wrong Place In Cyberspace

This song is about a niave and innocent Internet user, who has just been introduced to the wonders of broadband. He decides to buy gifts for some of his family, but get's more than he bargains for with his poor choice of search criteria. The first episode goes like this...

First on my list was a gift for my mother
A rejuvenating thermal mud pack
So I typed in "hot facial" and clicked the Search button
And you won't believe what came back!

Wow! We're really rockin' now.

Sweet AMC.

Babes With Bazookas

So, 'Babes With Bazookas' is finished. A classic observational piece written after a one-handed visit to www.actiongirls.com. Phew! How do they think these things up? Semi-naked women, shooting automatic weapons at ripe melons. The coolest thing is that we were able to rhyme 'Kalishnikov' with 'knickers off'. Eh?

Sorry, I Should've Introduced You

Sorry, everyone, I should've introduced you to the band. That last post was by 'Moonshine' Simes, formerly bass guitar player with the Nonkeys. As is evident, he isn't funny, and he isn't clever. If anyone has any theory about what the f*ck he is going on about, please let us know.

Hopefully, 'Blind Lemon' Mikey (the worlds greatest keyboard player and genuinely lovely person) will soon be blogging too. Mike?

Does anyone know where Andy 'Five Skins' the drummer is?

I Table A Motion

Do you work in an office? Is there someone in the office who keeps his/her tidy desk? And has a desktidy? Someone who always has the best stapler, and won't lend it out? Someone who always puckers up to the boss? Claims your work as his/her own? Anonymously reports you to the Companys' Business Ethics hotline for taking a paperclip home?

Yeh, well this song is about getting revenge on a tw*t like that. Here's verse 2...

There’s a guy at work
He’s got a fully loaded Rexel Taurus
Stapler in chrome
And a Rapid Liberty Long Arm Staple Remover
Which he won’t loan
He’s got a BT Converse 14-hundred
Business telephone
And he’s always tabling my proposal and
Claiming them as his own

He sits beside me
He’s got a desk tidy
…he’s a twat

American Tourettes Doctor

I've had the chorus for some time. I sing it under my breath when I don't like someone.

"Stick it up ya f*ckin' ass
Stick it up ya f*ckin' ass
Stick it up ya f*ckin'
Stick it up ya f*ckin'
Stick it up ya f*ckin' ass"

Some of the guys at work sing it now too. It must be a classic. So I had this idea for an American Doctor who, because of his tourettes, prescribes every patient with a supository and tells them to "Stick it up ya f*ckin' ass".

To his credit, Nige' contributed to a couple of the verses by using Google to search for ailments that didn't need a supository to cure them.

His other contribution was to suggest that the expression "f*ckin' ass" was a little agressive and that perhaps we should consider substituting it with "hairy ass". Being the conciliatory, happy-go-lucky, team player that I am, I agreed with my song-writing partner and bestfriend that I would be comfortable with "hairy ass".

That Kebab Incident

Oh, really! It seems 'That Kebab Incident' hasn't really been forgiven or forgotten at all, has it? It would seem that Nigel is living in an alternate reality where everything revolves around him. Hey, Nige', Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

Oh Honestly!

Sheesh! I set up a blog so that Peter and I can communicate freely, regularly and honestly with our existing (and potential) fan base and what does he go and do? He goes and uses it as a way to electronically tickle his tiny ego. In an attempt, presumably, to engorge it and make it temporarily a little larger.

Don't get me wrong, I love Pete more than I love my PS2, but it behooves me to set the record straight.

And so...

Basically, the Nonkey song writing recipe goes like this...
1. Pete has an idea
2. It's a knob idea, so we dump it in Dee Dumpster
3. Pete has another idea
4. It's another knob idea but incredibly it sparks inspiration within me
5. I have an idea
6. Pete and I agree that my idea is fantastic
7. Pete writes the lyrics
8. I re-write the lyrics to make them funny
9. Pete strums his guitar, seemingly at random until I shout, "hey play those two chords again", and voila the music is complete.
10. I record Peter on his guitar over and over seemingly ad nauseam until we are able to cut and paste enough reasonable bits together and form a chord progression that we can then set on auto-repeat
11. I record the vocals, which frankly saves the song
We both agree that I am the creative genius of the duo. Peter is the musician, the sidekick, the stooge. With or without me...he is nothing.

Love you all

Nigel Nonkey

Our first new song in 6 years

Hey, the first song for the new Nonkey album is written. It's called 'Lady Lemonade' and it's about a girl who just drinks fizzy citrus-flavoured non-alcoholic beverages. There is, of course, a twist (not just of lemon) but we won't give too much away -- you'll have to buy the album ;-)

Be assured, it is a funny song. Actually, Nige' wrote the basics of this song some time ago, for a blues band. We had to sit down the re-work it. It need 'raunching' up in a Nonkey kinda way. We were able to shoehorn the word 'Dominatrix' in and rhyme it with 'latex'. And that's something you'll grow to appreciate about the Nonkeys song writing genius; the ability to always, always, ALWAYS find a rhyme. Even if it's an appalling use the English language. And if all else fails, and we can't find a rhyme we either change the word using http://thesaurus.reference.com/, or we invent a word.

On a number of occasions we have invented names. In 'Horny Ornithologists' we needed a word to rhyme with 'aviary'. Rymezone.com reports ' Words and phrases that rhyme with aviary: (0 results)
Sorry, no perfect rhymes were found.' So we invented a character called 'Amy Maviary'. Eh? Ya get me? Well, we've done it again; in 'Lady Lemonade' we needed a rhyme for 'tea totaller', so we invent 'Fanny Floataller'. Smooth (AMC). Am I boring you?

Nonkey Song Writing Techniques

Basically, the Nonkey song writing recipe goes like this...

• 1. I have an idea,
• 2. I write the lyrics,
• 3. I write the music,
• 4. I record all of the music,
• 5. Then Nige' does some singing.

We both agree that I am the creative genius of the duo. Nige' is the voice, the frontman, the stooge. Without me...he is nothing, darling.

Having The Idea
Firstly, you have to have an idea for a song. Something that makes you laugh. The level to which the idea makes you laugh may range from 'mild titter' to 'outright gaffaw'. It could be a joke someone told you, it could be an expression someone uses, it could be a bogey on the wall which has been sculpted into the shape of Che Guevara. Keep your eyes open at all times or you might miss that inspiration.

Write The Lyrics
OK, so you got the idea. Let's say, the booger one. Next thing to do is decide if the song is going to have a 'punchline' or if the song is going to have a catchy, sing-along chorus? You could have both, but that uses up two good ideas in one song, and you don't really want to spend your creative juices prematurely. Let's try writing a catchy, sing-along chorus for our booger song. First line will be...

There's a booger on the wall in the shape of Che Guevara

We could now search the http://www.rhymezone.com/ for something that rhymes with 'Guevara'. How about this...

There's a booger on the wall in the shape of Che Guevara
It's an admirable attempt at sculpting nasal carbonara

Hey? Sounds like the beginnings of another Nonkey classic. Ya get me?

To Be Continued.

More songs about boobies and pooh

So there we were, Nige and Pete, the artists formerly known as ‘The Nonkey Brothers’, at a creative dead end. Impotent and flacid (in a musically creative kind of way). Since we stopped all Nonkey activities back in 2000, we’d done nothing for the benefit of mankind.

After the legal battle over band finances (www.gnatschuff.com) was finally resolved, we agreed that we should write a new Nonkey Brothers album. Get back to what we do so well and focus on our core competencies. Which basically boils down to more songs about boobies and pooh. (Perhaps we should call the new album 'More Songs About Boobies and Pooh'?)